Acting: a life

ac·tor

Pronunciation: \ˈak-tər also -ˌtȯr\

Function: noun

Date: 15th century

1 : one that acts : doer
2 a : one who represents a character in a dramatic production b : a theatrical performer c : one who behaves as if acting a part
3 : one that takes part in any affair

— ac·tor·ish \-tə-rish\ adjective

— ac·tor·ly \-tər-lē\ adjective

I like to think that I am all of the above. A doer (which is why I always get cast as a skank), someone who has affairs (with Shannon Musgrave) and I am most definitely actor-ish (because apparently that is a word).

Gather round children (especially fifteen year old girls who want to get into hot tubs with me), as I take you on a journey through a day in the life of the actor at SATURDAY’S VOYEUR.

7:30am: I wake up…. Ha ha. Yeah right.

11:00 am: I wake up. I roll out of bed wearing last night’s MAC makeup - delicately pasted to my face. I look in the mirror and think -- yep, I can get away with this. I use my Utah sa fun skills to rat and hairspray my bangs to my head, and then paste another layer of cancer on my face to make it look prettier.

11:15 am: I look at my email from stage manager John Geertsen. What will we be doing today? Singing? Choreography? Having abortions? (those usually happen on Saturdays)

If singing only - I dig through my closet to find my hottest outfit ever so that I can A. seduce Shannon Musgrave and B. make everyone jealous of my wicked style.

If dancing only- I pull out my musty dance pants from ’97 that have never been warshed, and hope that Cynthia won’t smell the stench when I’m learning my dirty dancing moves.

11:20 am: I eat something. Probably something weird that most people wouldn’t eat for breakfast. Like small children - or peanut butter.

11:30 am: I look at the clock and think- you better leave now or you will be late.

11:35 am: I get in my car and the whole time I’m driving I think, “Shit, I hope I won’t be late.”

11:50 am: I pull up to SLAC and park my car outside. Sometimes I pull up right at the same time as another cast member. Usually Stephanie Chace Bass, but I try to ignore her and run to the chapel (because she usually tries to rape me in the parking lot while reading me poetry from Jewel’s “A Night Without Armor.”)

11:59 am: I sign in and then make sure to drop the sign in pencil and stick out my boom boom so that Jesse Pepe notices me (because he is fourteen and I’m really into that.)

12:00pm-1:20pm: I learn either blocking, dance moves, or music. I am then often told things from Nancy, Cynthia, or Kevin like “You are the best actor ever and we are giving you every solo in the show” or “what stinks?” or “you don’t need the boobs, the words are enough. Otherwise I just stare at the boobs and I’m not even a lesbian.”

1:20pm: BREAK TIME! After working so hard I go into the kitchen and make an amazing vegetarian sandwich (that everyone stares at and gets jealous over) while I listen to Justin Ivie and Steven Fehr talk about smart things that I don’t understand. I smile and laugh.  Then I go outside while the cotton tree poops into my hair and I stare at Jake Johnson, wishing he were straight. I sexily eat my sandwich, hoping he will realize that he is not gay but is in fact in love with me.

1:30pm-5:00pm: Basically the same cycle of events happens - sexy sandwich breaks and learnin. Other incidents of this time frame include but are not limited to:

Ashley Gardner Carlson saying to Jeanette Puhich “It’s amazing at your age that you can get down on the floor like that!”

Jeanette Puhich making jokes about being old when she’s really only 24 so I don’t know why she pretends.

Mark Brocksmith listening to me play Tori Amos’ “Precious things” in the green room.

Alexis Baigue asking me if I can put my hand over his you know what because it will really help the scene.

Aaron Swenson being so nice that I can’t stand it, and then giving me hair clips for my nasty bangs or gaff taping my white dress strap that broke. (He is an amazingly talented writer BTW)

Kent Harrison Hayes making puns while sitting in his fold up camping chair with a cushion and eating an apple.

I love this cast and crew so much and I am so thankful to be a part of this process everyday.  I love being around these actors because this cast holds some of the most genuine, loving, and dynamic people I have ever met. But mostly just me.

The end.

PS- if you want tickets to a special backstage show entitled - Victoria’s Va jay jay, please find me after the show.